


Moving Through the Days

by jacarsia



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF, Watcher Entertainment
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Awkward Romance, Cheesy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Frotting, M/M, Pandemics, Sexual Tension, long chapters, new relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:14:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24130399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jacarsia/pseuds/jacarsia
Summary: He had expected everything to change, his brain told him that he would never get to cause another one of Ryan's breath taking smiles if he ever spoke up while his heart created fantasies where the younger man smiled against his lips after a bad joke. Never in one of his fantasies had Ryan been the one to lean in, to initiate something between the two of them; he never expected anything to come of his feelings.He expected everything to change, and in a way it did. He could reach down and hold calloused hands in his own while he teased his partner relentlessly for being afraid, he could kiss stress bitten lips to pull him out of his own mind, he could laugh with him at their desks and across a table at lunch, he could hold a stocker body against his own whenever he wanted to. But despite all the changes, Ryan Bergara was still his best friend, and no matter how much he loved him, Shane Madej would never believe in ghosts.(An attempt at a realistic/plausible relationship between the ghoul boys.)
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, Shane Madej/Sara Rubin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 71





	1. Remind Me To Thank That Stupid Doll

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing anything Buzzfeed related, its also the first time in nearly 10 months I've actually tried writing a story. I have a tendency to write too long and put so much detail into something it becomes confusing, I tried my best with this first chapter and I'm planning on tightening up some of the upcoming chapters, but they'll still be decently long.
> 
> I didn't read all the way through this before posting so there might be some grammatical errors.
> 
> If you have any comments please let me know!

The cool Connecticut wind that had been gently brushing past them when the crew and all its members had arrived at the small Occult Museum had quickly taken a more aggressive turn after night had fallen and filming was over. Shane was honestly surprised there had been no comments made by a certain someone connecting the bad weather to his behavior during their investigation, but to his surprise his shorter counterpart said nothing as they helped haul the more expensive, hard-to-replace-in-the-event-they-were-stolen items from their rented van and into the hotel they were staying in. Not a single word, no comparisons to the sharp wind whipping at any exposed skin until it grew raw and tender from the cold to scratches or other supernatural forces, it would have concerned Shane more if he wasn’t preoccupied with keeping his beanie on his head.

The two of them and the rest of the crew laid the larger pieces of recording equipment in their cases across a pull out couch in TJ’s room before they all left to do their own thing, some of them heading to their rooms to get a good night’s rest in preparation for their flight in the morning, and others heading down to the lobby to get something to eat. Shane and Ryan were apart of the first group, the older man beyond happy at the aspect of hopping in the shower before laying down in a (somewhat)comfortable bed and getting a good night's rest; as soon as the two got through the threshold of the door he jumped on the opportunity, gathering his things before locking himself in the bathroom.

It wasn’t until he was under the warm spray of the showerhead (which was so low he had to crouch down in order to get his head under to wash his hair) that his mind finally caught up with the rush of the last few hours and he could think about everything that had happened on the drive back to the hotel, or more specifically the  _ lack  _ of anything happening. As soon as the cameras had been turned off in the van nothing happened between Shane and Ryan, there was no chatter, or if there was it was almost completely one sided, which was so far from normal Shane was surprised it had taken this long for it to settle in. He had assumed that Ryan was dragging out his angry bit, pretending to be upset with him for everything he had said during their time in the Warren’s Museum, but he knew that he wouldn’t have ignored him if he was pretending.

Ryan couldn’t have actually been upset with him; it didn’t make any sense. They had been to plenty of locations, where Shane had done much worse, acted much more disrespectful to the supposed entities they were sharing the space with than he had been tonight; but Ryan had never acted quite like this before. He could remember seeing him flinch out of the corner of his eyes anytime the van took a corner a little too sharply, thought he could remember him gasping quietly when someone ran through a red light just as they were about to go, but Ryan had begun focusing more intensely on other people driving ever since his car accident a few years prior, so that wasn’t too unusual for him. Shane shook his head, laughing quietly at himself as he toweled off his hair and changed into his pajamas, it seemed they were switching roles for the night, here he was overthinking insignificant details in the bathroom while Ryan relaxed on his bed.

The first thing he noticed after he came out of the bathroom, his hair still damp despite his best attempts at drying it, was that he couldn’t see Ryan; it wasn’t until he approached the bed he had claimed that he spotted him sitting on his knees along the far wall, shifting through the contents of his suitcase. The second thing he noticed was how clean Ryan’s side of the room was. His shoes were settled neatly at the foot of his bed, the comforter and pillows perfect, all of his little items that he had thrown about when they had first arrived had been tightly tucked away into his suitcase, what Shane assumed to be his clothes for the next morning folded on a chair in the corner.

“Hey man, you know we don’t leave until tomorrow right? You don’t have to pack everything up yet.” The smile he had on his face slowly fell away as he was ignored, the smallest flinch of Ryan’s shoulders at the sound of his voice the only indication he had even heard when he had said. He frowned, taking a few steps forward so he could try and get a better look at what Ryan was doing, but before he could decipher anything he was zipping up his suitcase and standing, a sleep shirt and shorts in his hand, before he walked right past him without a word or glance in his direction. Shane froze on the spot, something cold settling in his limbs, stealing any heat he had gotten from the shower at the sound of the bathroom door shutting much harder than it needed to, the click of the lock snapping him out of it.

He turned and looked at the door for a second, unsure of what to do or say in the situation, not entirely understanding what he had done to receive such a rude and unwanted reaction from Ryan. Shane guessed he had underestimated how much the investigation had actually messed with him, perhaps he really hadn’t been overthinking things and Ryan really  _ was  _ mad at him. He frowned, finally tearing his eyes away from the door and moving to sit down on his bed, idly strolling through social media as he waited for the sounds of the shower to stop. He wouldn’t know what was going on until he actually asked, and while his and Ryan’s relationship wasn’t really the most open, he knew that Ryan wouldn’t be ignoring him for no reason.

It was a while before Ryan finally came out of the bathroom, long enough for Shane to become a little concerned about him, stepping into the main section of their room with a towel slung over his neck and hair matted down against his forehead. Shane glanced up at him and their eyes met for a second before Ryan was looking away and moving onto his bed. There were a few minutes of silence, Ryan grabbing the remote to the TV and flicking through the channels, not really paying attention to the shows flashing across the screen, not speaking a single word.

Shane felt his eye twitch in a sudden rush of annoyance.

“What’s your problem, man?” It came out a lot meaner than he had intended it, but he supposed there really wasn’t a way to say it without sounding more than a little fed up. Ryan went still on the other bed, his thumb hovering over the skip button as his lips and brows tilted downwards.

“What’s  _ my _ problem?” He didn’t even look over at him when he spoke, and Shane found that that just annoyed him even more; pushing himself up so he was sitting he turned to face Ryan, his face pulled tight in confusion.

“Yeah, I’m trying to talk to you and you’re straight up ignoring me.” He caught Ryan looking down, the crease of his brows softening just slightly as a little pang of guilt struck him, but he still wouldn’t look at him. Shane sighed. “Listen, I understand if you’re still all freaked out and trying to chill, but if that’s the case just tell me instead of giving me the silent treatment.” He hoped that Ryan could hear the words he wasn’t saying in his tone.  _ I care about you, you’re really worrying me right now and kind of hurting my feelings, but I really just want to make sure you’re okay. _ Ryan shook his head, leaning back against the headboard of his bed while a long sigh slipped past his lips, he looked just as tired as he normally did after these types of adventures, but there was something else there that Shane couldn’t quite read.

“I’m not freaked out Shane,” it was beyond tempting to laugh at that, but with the tension in the room as thick as it was Shane didn’t want to push him and unintentionally make Ryan shut back up, he was continuing too soon afterwards anyways, “I’m fucking angry.” His tone didn’t match the words, staying even and steady as he spoke, but with his eyes shut and only half of his face in his line of sight Shane figured he could well have been and just hiding it surprisingly well. He frowned.

“Why?”

“Are you serious?” Ryan’s lips pulled down into a snarl, the sudden shift of emotions on his face throwing Shane off long enough for dark brown eyes to focus in on him, the intensity of the glare making him shrink back on his bed. “How can you be so fucking stupid? Taunting her and telling her to hurt you.” his tone was piercing, heat behind the curse that struck him like a blow while simultaneously igniting his own set of negative emotions.

“Is this seriously about that stupid doll?” He sat up straighter and watched as Ryan steeled himself, his shoulders tensing up and eyes narrowing at the clear irritation in Shane’s voice.

“Shane.” It was a warning if he had ever heard one, but it wouldn’t be the first or last time ignoring it. Ryan was angry at him, refusing to talk to him, all because he said some mean things to a stuffed child’s plaything locked in a case; it was ridiculous, and he was determined to express that.

“Its a  _ doll _ Ryan, an old as hell doll stuck behind glass. It can’t hurt anybody!” He didn’t care at this point if he further frustrated Ryan by laughing, it would have been more effort to hold it in than it was worth, sliding in perfectly with his disbelief at the situation.

“That’s not true! It has hurt people before and you’ve given her more than enough reasons to hurt you too!” He had finally turned to face Shane head on, his eyes wide and face frustrated more than he was used to, hands moving about to further express the anxious anger bubbling below his skin. Shane rolled his eyes and looked away from the younger man, they both had trouble at times understanding when to stop pushing, and despite the creeping feeling that he maybe should have put more effort into trying not to laugh crawling up his spine, he found himself standing. If Ryan was going to throw a fit over something so trivial than Shane would give him his space, get them something to drink from one of the vending machines they passed on their way up to the room-

“Don’t you turn your fucking back on me when I’m trying to talk to you.” Shane flinched as a calloused hand grabbed his arm and spun him back around, placing him face to face (or face to chest/shoulders in their case) to a much angrier Ryan than he had seen mere seconds before. It took longer than he would like to admit to fully process that Ryan had just  _ grabbed _ him, was  _ still grabbing him _ . He pulled his arm away as soon as it clicked in his mind, sending one of the most genuinely concerned looks Ryan had ever seen on him his way, obviously thrown off guard. He had never grabbed him like that, not even earlier in the day when he had tried to touch Annabelle’s case.

“You’ve put yourself in so much danger screwing around tonight. You put the  _ crew _ in danger.” There was no way Ryan didn’t understand how much that last comment hurt him, he took a step back, his legs bumping into the bed behind him, trapping him in the small space. He gulped, still trying to recover from the unfamiliarity of what was going on.

“I screw around at every location.” It was his best attempt at keeping a level voice, not wanting to further instigate Ryan while also hoping to get through to him that this was out of hand, that he needed to take a step back and breathe. He didn’t seem to get the hint, and if he did, he was giving it the same treatment he had been giving Shane earlier.

“This isn’t like other locations, don’t you get that? This isn’t reports of people who died hundreds of years ago and their spirits decided to stay for whatever fucking reason,” had they been having this discussion any other time, after any other night, it would have gone the same way it always had with Shane interrupting him to make comment on how the supernatural wasn’t real, “this is a demonic entity that has a  _ record _ , its  _ killed people _ ! And you thought it would be funny to put some target on your back? Why would you even take that kind of risk?!”

“Because none of this is real Ryan!” Said man took his own step back at the outburst, surprise wiping away the angry expression he had been wearing throughout the argument. Shane wasn’t the kind of person to snap at someone, and if he did it was never honest, but the confusion of the situation had built up inside of him and been transformed into frustration.

There was silence for a moment between them, their previous positions swapped with Shane’s lips turned down and light eyes glaring down at a wide eyed and hurt Ryan. It wasn’t often for Shane to feel more than petty irritation towards his co-host, and with every tense second of quiet between them he could feel the anger slowly fading inside him. Shane opened his mouth to say something, to apologize for yelling, to tell Ryan to explain how he was feeling, to do  _ something _ , but Ryan was moving away from him before he could get anything out.

He only had to take a few steps to get to the rolling chair sat next to the desk in their room, all but collapsing onto the cheap thing, nearly missing the seat entirely with how hard he threw himself into it, causing Shane to take an instinctive step forward. He caved in on himself, resting his elbows on his knees and hiding his face in his hands, shoulders shaking with every deep inhale he forced into his lungs to try and calm himself down. It was jarring, both to watch someone jump between such extremes of an emotion so quickly and to do so oneself, Shane couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t still a little confused on what exactly was going on, but he was finally listening to that part of his brain telling him to shut up for once. He took a few more steps forward, just enough for him to be able to sit at the end of Ryan’s bed, staring at the man in questions while he contemplated setting a hand on his shoulder, he didn’t know if it would be more comforting than just staying quiet.

Ryan finally looked up after he was able to take a few deep breaths, looking up from between his fingers and staring at Shane for a moment, who sat frozen at the intensity of his dark gaze, he couldn’t see the anger or frustration on his face anymore, it had been replaced by something defeated, something sad and all he wanted to do was wipe that look away. He wanted to make some dumb joke, wanted to light up the room and clear the tension between them by making Ryan smile, he wanted them to laugh the negativities away over some overly expensive room service, but it wasn’t the time or place. Shane hated how tired he looked, it made him look old and weather-worn, it took away the brilliant shine in his eyes that he loved so much. He cautiously reached out, Ryan’s glaze dropping down to stare at his hand as he carefully placed it on his knee, staring lazily at it before Shane leaned forward and began to speak.

“Why are you so upset? I’m not asking to be a dick or tease you. I genuinely want to know. What’s wrong?” Shane took a gamble and began to slowly rub circles into Ryan’s thigh, watching him as the tension began to ease in his shoulders, continuing when he wasn’t given any indication to stop. Ryan sat back in his chair, resting his head against the thin foaming at the top with a sigh, he closed his eyes before he began.

“I know you don’t believe in this. You think it’s all baloney and stupid, but what ever happened to ‘I believe you believe?’” It was unnerving to hear Ryan being so vulnerable, he was a man who liked to take his emotions and bottle them away inside of him, never to be seen until he had gathered so many he had nowhere else to store them and he overflowed. Was this what it looked like when he reached that point? Was this what an emotional break looked like? Shane didn’t know, he didn’t know what to do or say, squeezing his knee encouragingly as a knot of guilt built at the bottom of his stomach.

“I’m not upset, I’m fucking furious. You  _ know _ that I believe in this, that I believe that she’s dangerous and that she could hurt you.” It took a few seconds for Shane to realize that they were talking about the doll again, frowning as Ryan sighed and sat forward in his chair, staring down at the hand still resting on his knee. “I know that’s not how you see it, you think nothing will happen, but in my eyes you were an idiot and put everyone in danger, you put yourself in danger.” He finally looked up at him, all the air ripped from Shane’s lungs at the sight of Ryan’s red rimmed eyes, he felt himself go stock still.

“What if she does something to you Shane? How am I suppose to deal with knowing I brought you here, knowing that I stood by and let you do everything you did and-“ he cut himself off, squeezing his eyes shut once again and forcing a thin tear down his cheek, his teeth clenching as h obviously tried to keep something in, whether it was more tears or whatever scenario he was imagining Shane didn’t know. He took a shaky breath, his arm coming up to harshly rub at his eyes, Shane’s hand moved to his shoulder.

“Ryan, she won’t do anything to me-“

“Stop, just stop.” He did, his mouth instantly closing mid word, his attention entirely on his friend’s face; he was looking at him once again, his eyes a little more red then they were before, and Shane could feel the knot it his stomach twisting tighter.  _ I made Ryan  _ **_cry_ ** _. _ “You don’t know that, neither of us know what could happen. I know this is what you do, but sometimes I wish you would have a little more respect for- for all of this.” Any other time he would have tried defending himself, he had words forming on his tongue to press that he showed respect towards the supposed spirits who had done nothing wrong, who had been good people when they were alive, to remind Ryan that until he was shown proof he wasn’t going to believe the that anything bad was going to happen to him.

Then he understood what Ryan was actually saying, and it made him feel sick.

He wasn’t talking about Shane showing more respect towards Annabelle or any of the other supernatural entities they had supposedly interacted with, he was talking about Shane respecting his beliefs in them, Ryan was asking him to respect him by  _ believing he believed. _ The weight of it was enough to make him drop his hand, sitting back on the bed and looking away from Ryan as his stomach churned. He was angry with him because he had gone beyond his normal teasing, straight up mocking and belittling his beliefs. He had instigated something that had reportedly hurt and killed people, he knew that Ryan believed in the claims and had insisted that they respected her, but Shane had ignored him like he always had and put his life in danger (in Ryan’s eyes at least) with the soul intention of upsetting him.

He had gotten exactly what he wanted. Ryan was upset with him, and just like Shane had done early, responded by ignoring him.

“What would I do if something happened to you?” The whisper was so broken, so raw and open Shane couldn’t make himself look over and confront it head on, shrugging his shoulders lamely and trying to brush it off with a joke.

“Search for my ghost on the next episode?”

“That’s not funny.” He sighed, gathering his thoughts before looking back at Ryan, the hurt was clear as day on his face, something else making his brows pinch together as he stared back. “Do you really think that I would want to continue Unsolved if you died? That I would want to keep doing this without you?” It was Shane’s turn to close his eyes and hide from the unfamiliarity of this conversation, try to protect himself from the emotions Ryan was forcing onto him. His heart started to speed up at his words, filling with a hope his rationality was doing its best to beat back down; it was stupid to think that Ryan being upset by him dying, not wanting to replace him on the show would be anything more than him just being a good friend.

“I’m sorry.” It was a genuine response to a situation he had no other idea on how to react to, and when he gathered the courage to open his eyes and look up again he found that Ryan had also been able to recover some, his eyes weren’t as red as they had been and he seemed calmer, arms crossed over his chest as he stared back at him.

“What for? All the stupid shit you did today, or for thinking I wouldn’t give a damn if you died?” Shane knew he deserved that, but it didn’t stop him from sinking down ever so slightly into himself, his hands moving nervously against his thighs under Ryan’s scrutinizing gaze.

“All of it. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize this case upset you as much as it does. I’ve been a real douche today and I’m sorry.” It was beyond rare for them to have moments even half as significant and heavy this one, and as uncomfortable as he was with how vulnerable he was being, it felt like he had just stepped over a threshold, lived through a defining moment in their friendship.

He found himself moving without much thought, carefully sliding off the end of the bed and onto the floor, Ryan’s eyes widened ever so slightly, eyes cautious as he watched Shane shuffled closer to him on his knees, nudging his aside ever so slightly so he could lean forward and wrap his arms around him. In a moment that seemed to drag on forever, but only lasted a few seconds at most, Ryan froze against him, hands hovering over Shane’s back as he hugged him to his chest. The chair was just tall enough to put them at an equal height for once; Shane let his forehead rest against Ryan’s shoulder, feeling rather than watching as his muscles went loose against him and he relaxed into the hold, resting one of his hands on the back of his head while he wrapped his arms firmly around him, his chin coming down to rest on Shane’s shoulder.

They stayed their for longer than they normally would, as the years went by and their friendship had deepened Ryan had gotten over many of his hang-ups with prolonged touching with men, however, he still wasn’t one for overly long hugs most days. Shane couldn’t find anything to complain about, it felt nice to be able to hold him in this way, in a way he had dreamt of so many times but only gotten to experience on rare occasions; it made him feel good to offer Ryan some form of physical comfort, something to help ground him. As much as he loved hugging him, Shane knew when to stop pushing his luck, so he slowly pulled away, moving his hands from his friend’s back to his arms in a gesture he hoped was welcoming.

“Hey, if I buy whatever your little heart desires off of the room service menu, will you forgive me for being a dick-hole?” He pulled a little further away so he could sit back on his heels, smiling up at Ryan from his new position, his heart fluttering at the small smile he received in return, the shine finally starting to flow back into Ryan’s eyes and face. He stared down at Shane for a few seconds with nothing but a smile on his face, the mood of the room changing for the better at the gentle return to familiar banter.

The urge overtook him before he could even think it through. Dark eyes flicking momentarily to Shane’s mouth the only warning he was given before they were fluttering shut and the body before him was leaning forward, pressing soft lips tenderly against his own in a kiss that literally took his breath away, forcing a quiet gasp out of him. He didn’t even get a chance to close his eyes and appreciate the touch as Ryan was quickly pulling away, staring down at his shocked expression with wide eyes and a horrified look on his face.

“Oh my fuck, Shane I’m so sorry. I-I shouldn’t have-“ Aforementioned man was surprised he was able to shut him up as quickly as he did, words flying out of Ryan’s mouth so quickly he was caught mid word, the vowels lost against Shane’s lips as he pushed forward and kissed him, smiling softly when the younger man relaxed enough to return it.

They stayed there much longer than they had when they were just hugging, hands slowly and cautiously moving across arms and shoulders before they found good places to rest, holding each other close as they sank into the feeling of their lips. One of Shane’s large hands was cradling Ryan’s face, his thumb stroking over the light stubble on his cheek, his fingers sliding under his ear into his hair, his other splayed out on the side of his lower thigh; Ryan’s arms were both resting over his shoulders, one of his hands slowly moving through his hair, carefully running his fingers through the slightly damp locks. They weren’t moving fast at all, their lips staying firm against each other instead of moving, they would pull back just enough to breath before leaning back in again, their mouths slotting together perfectly with every lingering kiss. There were a few times when they tried to pull away, words on the tips of their tongues until hands would guide them back to where they were wanted and they were kissing yet again.

Shane didn’t know how long they had been sitting there in each other’s embrace before he was finally successful in speaking, pressing his forehead to Ryan’s when the man tried to go in once more, a quiet sound of protest ghosting over his kiss bitten lips that had him smiling.

“If you’re going to take me up on the room service offer I would do it soon, the kitchen should be closing soon.” A surprised laugh burst out of Ryan, the sound high in pitch and even more rewarding then it normally was for Shane, his own small wheeze slipping past his grin. Ryan pulled back far enough to look into light brown eyes, his gaze so tender and adoring it made Shane’s heart skip a few beats just knowing it was for him and him alone. He shook his head, leaning forward a few inches to press a wet kiss to Shane’s head before he was pushing himself up onto his feet.

“Well then you better get out your wallet, cause you’re either getting me a shake tonight or paying for all the shitty airplane food I want tomorrow.” Shane laughed, taking the hand offered to him and wincing as his knees popped when he stood, relishing in the concerned look he received from the man still holding his hand.

“Don’t worry about these old bones, baby.” He felt his smile become impossibly wider as Ryan looked away, dropping his hand and going off with a mumbled excuse of looking for the menu, trying to hide how the corners of his lips twitched up as he ignored the pet name he apparently hated.

  
  



	2. Where Are We Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys get lunch and talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter got a little weak at the end so I apologize in advance for that, I wrote the majority of this not long after the first chapter but I've been working on the first chapter to a different story for the past few days and didn't realize I hadn't finished this one. Also I haven't read through this yet so I'm sorry if there's any screw ups grammar wise.

It was rare for the buzz that usually encompassed the Buzzfeed offices to simmer down and leave the space relatively calm, on the few occasions that it did happen the peace was warm and welcoming to those who had work they needed to get done, Shane always loved these moments when he had deadlines to meet. Today, however, it left a bad taste in his mouth that no one else around him seemed to share, going on with their days without a glance in his direction.

The day seemed to be going by at a snails pace, the lack of workplace distractions had been beneficial for the first couple of hours at his monitor, but after he had gone through all of his important emails and finished all of the research reports he had been tasked with for different shoots he was left with nothing to do and close to five and a half hours left before he could wrap up his work day. Shane couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten so much work done in such a timely manner, and he also couldn’t remember the last time he was so upset with himself for being productive. He no longer had anything to distract him from the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind for the last few days. A quick glace around the room for something to occupy his time proved fruitless, everyone was settled nicely in their respective assignments.

He couldn’t help but look over at Ryan in the desk beside him, a baseball cap pulled down over his head, a few stray hairs escaping from the sides and curling along the top of his forehead; the sight was enough to keep him busy for a minute or so, imaging how messy it must have looked that morning when he woke up and decided he wasn’t even going to try and tame it. He had his glasses on today, the wide rims hiding the smallest sliver of his face from where Shane was looking. While he was somewhat disappointed that the lens would undoubtedly dim that shine he always had in his dark eyes ever so slightly, he also appreciated how young they made him; he looked so relaxed and peaceful when he wore them, like he wasn’t trying so hard with his appearance.

It just made him look all the more attractive in Shane’s eyes.

He was typing away at his keyboard, fingers flying across the keys as he worked on a new script for Unsolved (which Shane gathered from a quick glance at the title near the top that contained one of his five dollar words, he was also pretty certain he spotted the word ‘spirit’ somewhere in there). He was completely in the zone, leaning forward in his seat to get closer to his screen, barely blinking as he put all his attention into his words. Shane smiled at him, his chest warm and face radiating affection any passer by would be able to see.

Sometimes he couldn’t believe just how taken he was on this man, how his heart fluttered when he saw how passionate he got about his beliefs and interests, how the urge to bait him into some petty argument just so he could see that fire in his eyes as he defended his justifications had turned into something he couldn’t physically resist.

He eventually turned back to his own screen, making the decision to use his time and attempt to organize some of the documents on his computer, it would be more than boring, but he had another else to do at the moment and he knew he would appreciate it in the near future. He still had another hour or so until he could leave his desk for lunch without feeling like he was disrupting some weird order, plus he knew no one would want to go with him at this time.

It had only been half an hour before his mind began to slip away from the task he had given himself, and all the thoughts he had been trying to push back came flooding to the front of his brain, demanding he shift his attention to them instead.

It had been a few days since they had shot the Annabelle episode, days since they shared that emotionally charged night in a small hotel room that completely rocked his world, and it was like nothing had ever happened. Shane was aware that that wasn’t entirely true, they had vaguely talked over the weekend and texted back and forth, something a little more flirty and charged in their usual banter, more emojis that Ryan always complained about but still smiled at when he brought them up.

When they had gotten off the plane and were back in LA the crew traveled back to the office and dropped off all of their equipment before heading home, Ryan offering to drive Shane back to his apartment like he had so many times before that. There was nothing awkward between them on the trip back, even when they were stuck in traffic they were able to talk normally, laughing at and with each other. Shane made sure to avoid any jokes about Ryan being in a car with him. When he was dropping him off Shane asked if he wanted to come up and watch something, but Ryan had politely declined and told him he just wanted to go home, eat, take a bath, and sleep through the rest of the day. He was more than a little let down, but he also understood completely.

They hadn’t talked about what happened, they had both made little side comments and nudged at the events of the weekend, but nothing specific, nothing relating to Ryan leaning down and _kissing him_. Shane wasn’t entirely sure how he was suppose to feel about it; on the one hand he had been worried that if he ever let his feelings out into the open everything would change, but at the same time he wanted to be able to reach over and take Ryan’s hand when he sat it on their table or the arm of his chair. He sighed, propping his elbow on his desk and setting his chin in his hand, staring blankly ahead at the screen that had long since gone dark.

Ryan looked over at the movement, taking in the conflicted look that was twisting his normally calm features and making his sad eyes droop even more; he had to shake his head to stop himself from looking over every detail of his face. Reaching up he took one of his air pods out and paused his music, quickly saving his work before he turned his attention back to his companion.

“You okay there, big guy?” The sudden noise in the otherwise silent space made him flinch, not really a jump, but the closest Ryan had ever seen from him, it made him frown. Shane blinked for a few seconds, turning his head lazily in his hand so his cheek was resting against his palm, dark eyes appreciating the way the office lights made his freshly shaved face look so soft. He smiled at him, pushing himself up from his slouched position and back into his chair, a large hand coming up to sweep back light hair from where it had fallen in front of his face.

“Yeah, just bored is all.” Ryan chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back in his own chair, his heart speeding up when he noticed the not-so-subtle way Shane’s gaze momentarily flickered down to his forearms and biceps before quickly moving back up to lock eyes with him.

“Try getting some work done, that’ll eat up your time.”

“I got all my shit done hours ago, jackass.” There was no bite behind the words, Shane just enjoyed wiping the smug look Ryan would sometimes get off his face; almost as much as he liked the look itself, the way it made his eyes turn impossibly darker. He was getting lost in thought again.

“Wanna grab an early lunch? I need to send this script out to be fact checked before I can really do anything else with it, we could probably swing going in somewhere a little further from the office and eating.” He smiled briefly before something hesitant took over his face, forcing a breathless chuckle past his lips. “Well, if you’d like.” He always had to tack something on the end when he made suggestions like that, as if he didn’t already know exactly what Shane would rather be doing at the moment, like he honestly thought he would say _no_.

He drew out his answer simply for the sake of annoying Ryan, slouching back as he raised a hand to his lips in a stereotypical pondering pose (had he kept the stubble he had accumulated over the weekend he would have scratched at his chin), humming to himself until he thought he had taken up enough time and finally turned fully to his desk mate.

“Who am I to turn down some chow with my best pal.” Ryan groaned at the failed attempt he had made to make ‘pal’ rhyme with ‘chow’ by pronouncing it weird, despite his initial reaction he didn’t hide how his lips pulled back into one of his brilliantly bright grins, one of the ones that never ceased to make Shane’s heart skip a beat in his chest. He smiled at him as he turned back to his computer and started shutting it down.

“Okay man, just let me send this and then we can get going.”

* * *

The two ended up stopping at a taco truck Ryan swore was amazing despite its low prices, Shane was ultimately wary, but he both trusted the younger man and wasn’t behind the wheel to make the final decision to stop or not. It was a nice day out, not hot enough for Shane to feel like his brain was going to start boiling inside his skull, but there were no clouds in the sky and he hadn’t thought to bring sunscreen to work, so Ryan took the initiative and drove them to a small park not too far from the office. They found a little picnic table cast under the shade of a large tree and planted themselves there, enjoying their meals in comfortable silence across from one another.

Shane was the first to finish, seeing as after 28 years Ryan still didn’t know how to pace himself and had bought three decently filled tacos, content on stuffing his face and sipping on water when he needed a break. He shouldn’t have been able to look at this man gorging himself and in that moment still find him attractive, he looked so relaxed, his cheeks and chin covered in shaggy facial hair he obviously hadn’t trimmed since their trip to Connecticut, eyes happy every time he snuck a glance at Shane.

He still couldn’t believe that just a handful of days ago he had been kissing this man, that he had caressed his cheeks and ran his fingers through his dark locks, had felt his rough hands on his arms and neck, heard him whisper his name in a beg for him to come back. He wanted to do it again, the temptation to move around the table and press his mouth against his more intense than it ever had been before, he could care less how much spice the man probably had on his mouth.

Shane just wished he knew how to initiate it. That night in the hotel had been so foreign from any other they had spent together, everything seemed raw and the tension surrounding them was nearly suffocating, kissing Ryan didn’t seem as scary then. But now they were back home, back on their regular schedules, and apparently back to silently pining on Shane’s part. It honestly surprised him, he had known Ryan for years and knew how he acted when he was in a relationship, he was a physical guy who liked to hold his girlfriends close and compliment them with every breath he had. He was romantic, liked to hold and kiss and touch; Shane would take a little of anything he had to offer if he just knew how to ask.

He’d have thought Ryan would have said something, tried to kiss him again or told him that they should just forget anything had happened in the first place. He didn’t think the later applied to them though, Ryan had kissed him first and had _kept on kissing him_ , he didn’t stop Shane and he seemed to really enjoy every second of it from what he could tell. _So why hasn’t he said anything? I put my heart out for him and he acted like nothing even-_

The realization hit him so suddenly that he was sure if Ryan had been paying attention, he would have seen it on his face the moment everything clicked into place for him. Of course things hadn’t changed between them, they had kissed and that was all, there was no discussion of feelings or what the kisses meant, that’s all they were, _kisses_. Several moments between two emotionally vulnerable men that, for some reason, Shane had expected would explain everything to Ryan without a single syllable and make him understand everything he was feeling for him. How was Ryan supposed to know unless he _let him know?_

“I’ve been seriously thinking about kissing you ever since we did Test Friends.” He had blurted it all out when Ryan was mid swallow, the poor man nearly choking on his food, quickly bringing a hand up to cover his mouth while Shane hastily stood to his feet, ready to rush over and pat him on the back. Ryan raised a hand and motioned for him to sit back down, coughing a few times into his fist as Shane hesitantly listened, passing over his mostly full water bottle and watching with concerned eyes as he quickly drank it down. He took a deep breath when he was done, pushing his glasses up to wipe away the tears that had spilled down his cheeks, rubbing at red eyes.

“Christ dude, give a guy a warning.” His voice came out raspy and slow as he tried not to send himself into another fit by talking to soon.

“I’m sorry.” There was a moment of awkward air between them, Ryan trying to make sure he wasn’t going to cough anymore before he tried to speak again, finishing both of their water bottles to sooth the ache in his throat. Shane didn’t complain.

“Alright, now that I don’t have a mouthful of food, would you care repeating that?” A mixture of guilt for making Ryan choke and the intense way dark eyes were staring at him caused heat to begin rising in his cheeks, he hoped the shade would be able to hide it. He coughed himself, more of an awkward thing to clear his throat and buy him another minute.

“I said I’ve been thinking about kissing you since Test Friends,” he was looking down at his hands, focusing on his fingers to distract him as he spoke, “well, in all honesty I had been thinking about it before that, but it was more in a ‘holy shit that’s an attractive man’ kinda way.”

“What kind of way is it now?” It was the tentative way he asked that caused him to look back up at Ryan, who was giving him his complete and undivided attention, those wide eyes he adored so much staring straight into his own. His face was so open, a sliver of what he had seen back in Connecticut after he had kissed him complacent, it was a little overwhelming and he suddenly couldn’t remember what he had just been asked.

“Hmm?” Ryan rolled his eyes at him and the spell that Shane had been cast under was broken, he felt the tension that had been building under his skin all day slowly dispersing.

“What kind of way do you think about kissing me now?” It was said in a teasing manner, one that he had heard many times before (normally used by him on Ryan), but he could see the genuine curiosity in his eyes and knew that he actually wanted an answer.

“It’s a ‘wow you’re an idiot but you’re also one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met’ kind of way now.” Shane was surprised by how calm he felt, he had expected the nerves he had felt earlier when thinking about this conversation would have grown when the moment actually came, but with every word a new weight was lifted from his shoulders. Maybe it was how casual Ryan was, how this felt like any other time they had gotten lunch and ate but so much more at the same time; it gave him the confidence to keep going.

“I really do like you Ryan, more than a friend, more than some stupid workplace crush.” It was Ryan’s turn to look down at his hands, smiling softly as he began messing with a chipped piece of wood on the table, glaze flickering up to catch his before drifting back down. His sudden shyness was beyond adorable to the older man.

“So do I. I haven’t known for nearly as long as you have, I only put the pieces together a few months ago. But I know its been there for a while,” Shane was sure if he was a little paler he would be able to see his face turning a nice shade of red, “you’ve always meant so much more to me than any other friend I’ve ever had, and when I finally got my shit together and let myself _feel_ everything just . . made sense.” They locked eyes again at the end of his spiel, the smile that had spread across Shane’s lips as he listened seemed to catch on Ryan and soon, he was smiling, albeit awkwardly, back at him.

“Okay, so to sum things up: we both have feelings for each other that aren’t necessarily friendly?” He received a nod as Ryan reached for his burrito once again, shooting him a warning look that he took as a sign to continue.

“Mhmm.” He hummed around his overly large bite, Shane shaking his head fondly at the sight.

“And those feelings on both our parts apparently extend into the kissing realm.” He received a nod in response this time around, he hesitated before pressing on, “so we should probably talk about that part now, right?” Ryan didn’t say anything for a moment, hiding his face by ducking down to finish off his remaining food with one final bite, wiping at his lips and chin before he sat back, swallowing what he had in his mouth.

“That would be the mature thing to do,” he leaned back to stretch his arms over his head, grunting as his shoulder’s popped in their sockets (Shane’s mind couldn’t decide if he hated the sound or enjoyed it). He shifted in his seat, making himself comfortable before leaning his arms against the wood and seeming to settle himself in for the upcoming conversation.

“I would love to kiss you again, man. I think I would enjoy it more now that I’m not experiencing literally every emotion all at once,” it drew a chuckle out of Shane, who opened his mouth to speak but stopped when Ryan raised a hand and signaled he wasn’t done, “I’d also like to take you out on a date. I’ll be completely honest, I haven’t done much with guys and I’m not exactly sure how to go about this, so I’m just going to take this like I have every other time I found out someone likes me back.”

Shane could feel his heart begin to speed up in his chest at the prospect of going on a _date_ with Ryan, he had dreamt of so many different locations and times, anywhere from the most classic and romantic dates to those that could would barely be counted by others. He didn’t realize he was grinning like a mad man until he heard Ryan start to laugh, the sound starting off nervous and quickly morphing into something more embarrassed, the hopeful gleam in his eyes warming Shane’s insides.

“I’d also like to kiss you again, I really, really would. I might need a little more convincing on the date thing,” Ryan’s smile dimmed ever so slightly, “I need to know, just what I can expect to get out of a date with _the_ Ryan Bergara?” A couple people passing by looked over at the loud laugh that burst out of Ryan’s mouth, and Shane felt that wave of pride he got every time he made him laugh like that, the brightness of his smile bringing light into the shade they were nestled under.

“Well, if you go on a number of these dates with me, _the_ Ryan Bergara, you can expect a great choice in food, wonderful cinema experiences, an abundance of popcorn, and, if you play your cards right, some kisses along the way.” Often times when they joked around they would try and hold serious expressions, but Ryan didn’t bother this time around, smiling wide and happily up at Shane as he leaned against the table himself. He held his chin and looked towards the sky like he was letting the information he already knew process, drawing out a hum that had Ryan quietly giggling across from him, making it all the more difficult to keep a smile off his face.

“Hmm, while that does sound quiet appealing, how many dates does it take to be officially _dating_ the one and only Bergmister?” Ryan’s laughter cut off at the inquiry and for a brief second Shane was afraid he had over stepped a line, but he didn’t get to dwell on it long, as a voice, softer than he had ever heard before, was soon speaking.

“You would really want to date me?” Something in his chest tightened at the way Ryan asked that, like he couldn’t believe that Shane of all people would want to be that involved with him, and _sure,_ they did already spend an extraordinary amount of time together, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t willing to give this man even more of it.

“Well, yeah. I already told you I have feelings for you.” Ryan looked so much younger staring up at him with familiar wide eyes, it reminded Shane of a young boy who was laying his heart out on the line to his first crush and fully expecting to be rejected.

“Did you not want-?” He was mostly certain that he was reading the situation right and Ryan wanted something more, it paid to be certain though, and by the sudden look of panic across his features he had been right in his assumptions.

“No! That’s not it- I mean, I’d totally be down for dating you dude,” he pushed himself up so he was sitting correctly on the bench seat, looking Shane directly in the eyes as he continued, looking more than a little nervous, “I’ve just, well, have you ever . . . dated a dude before? Cause I haven’t.”

It was an inherently reasonable thing to worry about, there were definitely differences in dating a woman than a man, some that Shane probably wouldn’t know about until they came across them. But there was a point in time when both of them had no idea how to properly date in general, so he wasn’t all that worried. He’d just take what he knew and follow that for the time being, adjusting whatever was necessary as they went.

“No, and up until last weekend I had never kissed one either.” Ryan opened his mouth to say something else but stopped once the words fully registered in his brain, sitting silently blinking at the other man for a few seconds, brows furrowing.

“Wait, really?”

“Well, once I got staged kissed by some dude during a play back in high school, but there was no lip-on-lip action.” He raised a brow, head tilting ever so slightly to the side like a dog, “Why do you look so surprised? Have _you_ kissed a guy before me?” Ryan broke eye contact for a moment, his gaze shifting to the side like he was trying to escape the question, only making Shane even more curious, shifting a little closer in his seat to the table.

“Did I get someone’s sloppy seconds?” Ryan rolled his eyes at that, groaning quietly before the sound turned into a heavy sigh, his eyes fluttering shut and arms coming up to cross over his chest.

“When I was in college me and some friends went to a party and this girl said she would jump into the pool naked if me and this other guy kissed.” Shane was laughing before he could even finish his story, a loud bark forced out of him at the absurdity of the story, he immediately knew why Ryan was so reluctant to outright tell him, there was no way he wasn’t going to tease him about that every chance he got. Ryan blushed, sending Shane a sharp glare that only had the older man wheezing, his hand coming up to cover his mouth when he remembered they were very much in public.

“That is the most stereotypical frat boy bullshit I’ve ever heard.” Ryan waited until the laughter began to taper off to talk, not too loud or hysterical enough for the words to get lost in his own amusement.

“Yeah yeah man, yuck it up. I was young, hormonal, and drunk. Give me a break.” Shane reached down and sat a hand on his stomach, the crinkles around his eyes deeper than usual as he smiled across the table, eliciting the smallest of smiles on Ryan’s traitorous mouth.

“I expected more out of you Bergara, here I was thinking that our kiss was a mutual trade of first times only to find out that this wasn’t your first rodeo-“

“You’re making it sound like I took your lip virginity.”

“You did you scoundrel!”

* * *

They spent a little while longer at the park, their conversation drifting into more territory they were both more familiar and comfortable with discussing. After a while one of them remembered that they were suppose to be on their lunch break and opened their phone to check the time, quickly realizing they would be late getting back to work if they didn't hurry up to the car. So they gathered the small amount of trash they had and threw it away in a nearby trash can, jogging back to where they had parked to try and give themselves a few extra minutes of driving time. Their usual friendly banter followed them once they were in the car and on the road, continuing until they got back to the office and parked in a (thankfully) empty spot not too far from the entrance to the building.

They were almost back inside, the back door in plain sight, when Ryan stopped without warning, catching Shane off guard and nearly causing him to trip over an uneven section of the concrete as he turned to look at him.

“What’s up-?”

“Want to get dinner tomorrow? I would offer tonight but I already promised Brent I would go with him to this new Tai place that opened hear his apartment.” Shane couldn't help but take a quick glance around them, there wasn't a single person in sight, leaving them uncharacteristically alone in a somewhat public space. He looked back to Ryan, who was standing with his shoulders squared and one of the most confident looks on his face he could ever recall seeing, his posture screamed courage and he had to give him some credit where it was deserved, he looked like a man on a mission. It made him smile to think that his mission was to have dinner with him.

“Why, are you asking me on a date?” Ryan sent him a smirk, a look he didn’t often see him wear, but one he wouldn’t deny enjoying. He shifted from one foot to the other, hooking his thumbs in the front pockets of his jeans while his smirk grew a little more fond, taking in the way the sun shinning above them made Shane’s hair glow and his smile seem all the more bright.

“I am.” Shane took a quick glance down at his watch, noting the time he reached out and sat a hand on Ryan’s arm to begin guiding them forward once again, also using the touch as an excuse to feel the way the muscle flexed below his skin as he pulled his hands back to his side. By the look Ryan sent him he was in no way subtle about it, and it made Shane’s heart speed up to know he was allowed to do that.

“In that case, pick me up around 7, 7:30.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think!


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